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Franks
Chilli Eating Contest
THIS IS SOME CHILLI CONTEST!
If you can read this whole story without tears of laughter running
down your cheeks then there's no hope for you!
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to
the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even
better!
For those of you who have live in Texas, you know how true this is.
They actually have a Chilli Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes
to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the
Astrodome.
The notes are from an inexperienced Chilli taster named Frank, who
was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at chilli
cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli
wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have
free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chilli # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chilli
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff?
You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took
Me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one.
These Texans are crazy.
Chilli # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chilli
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in
more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chilli # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick. Needs more
beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chilli, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
feels like I
have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the
back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm
getting shit-faced from all of the beer.
Chilli # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish or other
mild foods, not much of a chilli.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds?
Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills.
That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT. . . just like this
nuclear
waste I'm eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac?
Chilli # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
and I can
no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I
told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved
my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the
pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me
off
that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks!
Chilli # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance
of spices
and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic.
Superb.
Judge #3 -- I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the
chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut
Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
Chilli # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chilli
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can
of chilli
peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and
I wouldn't
feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like
it
is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli, which
slid
un-noticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like poop to
match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what
killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw
it;
I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it
in
Through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chilli # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chilli
Judge # 1-- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli. Not too
bold but
spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chilli. Neither
mild nor hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out,
fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself. Not sure
if he's going to make it.
Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chilli?
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Office Dare Olympics
ONE POINT OFFICE DARES
1. Run one lap around the office at top speed.
2. Groan out loud in the toilet cubicle (at least one other
'non-player' must be in the toilet at the time).
3. Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
4. Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and
say, "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."
5. To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your
ears and grimace.
6. When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper
huskily, "Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!".
7. Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out,
say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way".
8. Walk sideways to the photocopier.
9. While riding a lift, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
THREE-POINTS DARES
10. Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barreled
fingers.
11. Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get
all that, I don't want to have to repeat it".
12. Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).
13. Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the
nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).
14. Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
FIVE POINT DARES
15. At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be
nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra
points if you actually launch into it yourself).
16. Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you
with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
17. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob".
18. Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do
a number two".
19. After every sentence, say 'Mon' in a really bad Jamaicanaccent.
As in "the report's on your desk, Mon". Keep this up for one hour.
20. While an office mate is out, move their chair into the lift.
21. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly
and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!".
22. At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God is my
witness, I'll never go hungry again".
23. In a colleague's diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in
tights".
24. Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna
trade?".
25. Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person:
"Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now".
26. Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't
talk about it".
27. Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a
lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.
28. Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a
very important conference call.
29. Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
30. Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your
pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
31. Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit,
smash each biscuit with your fist.
32. During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards
the door.
33. Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting
attendee, move them according to the movements of their real-life
counterparts.
And if that wasn't enough for you...
34. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and
point a hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
35. Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are
going to have to let one of you go."
36. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want
fries with that.
37. Put your rubbish bin on your desk and label it "IN."
38. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has got
over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
39. Dont use any punctuation
40. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
41. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they
answer.
42. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
43. Sing along at the opera.
44. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
45. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of
jungle sounds all day.
46. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their
party because you're not in the mood.
47. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock
Hard.
48. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won! I Won! 3rd
time this week!!!"
49. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot
yelling, "Run for your lives, they're loose!"
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The Atheist and
The Bear
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What
majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he
said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the
bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7 foot grizzly charge
towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over
his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He
tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up
but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left
paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh my God!..."
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky:
"You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't
exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect
me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a
believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be
hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian
now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And then the
bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his
head and spoke: "Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive
from thy bounty through Christ, our Lord. Amen."
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Potty Talk
ESCAPEE.
Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal
or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a
sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash
you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you
release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not
happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal,
pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is
uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK (Used in
conjunction with ESCAPEE).
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine
gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover.
If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until
everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness
of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH.
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone
of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an
undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop
has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught
doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME.
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after
you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very
uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all
farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be
avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER.
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You
will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a
newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office
for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS
NETWORK (PFN).
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure
emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you
to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and
identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS.
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where
you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of
the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex
entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR:
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall
and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking
and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If
this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This
way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH.
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a
WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when
used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE.
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd
Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt
that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the
bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON.
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the
toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a
Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-
COUGH.HAVANA OMELET.
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud
splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try
using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED.
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever.
Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or
sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while
on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the
bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom
attendees.
FLY BY.
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk
in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom,
leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT
FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly
going into the bathroom.
CRACK WHORE
Definition: A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus.
Tell tale signs of a CRACK WHORE include pubes, piss stains and shit
streaks. Avoid a CRACK WHORES at all cost. Try finding out when the
janitor cleans each particular bathroom. Don't forget with a good
cleaning, a CRACK WHORE can become a SAFE HAVEN.
BED OF REST
Definition: The creation of a hammock from toilet paper just above
the water line, thus cushioning the fall of a turd. Extremely
effective in averting a possible WATERMELON incident. However, such
a construction cannot be expected to cope with a HANAVA OMELET.
Also, the complete lack of sound emmitting from your stall may alert
an UNCLE TED of suspicious activity. Discreetion is required before
using this technique.
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A Lady called Carmen
A man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman
standing alone. He approached her and asked her name.
"My name is Carmen," she told him.
"That's a beautiful name," he said. "Did your mother give it to
you?"
"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I
like
most in my life - cars and men." They continued to talk and finally
she
asked " What's your name"?
"Beerfuck," he replied.
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Classes available
Evening classes for men. Starting this month!
Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty of their
contents, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants
each.
Topic 1. How to fill ice-cube trays. Step by step with slide
presentation.
Topic 2. Lavatory paper rolls: do they grow on the holders?
Round-table discussion.
Topic 3: Differences between the laundry basket and the floor.
Pictures and explanatory graphics.
Topic 4. The after-dinner dishes and silverware: can they levitate
and fly into the kitchen sink? Examples on video.
Topic 5. Loss of identity: losing the remote to your significant
other. Help line and support groups
Topic 6. Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the
right place instead of turning the house upside down while
screaming.
Open forum.
Topic 7. Health watch: bringing her flowers is not harmful to your
health.
Graphics and audio tape.
Topic 8. Real men ask for directions when lost. Real-life
testimonials.
Topic 9. Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel
parks? Driving simulation.
Topic 10. Learning to live: basic differences between mother
and wife. Online class and role playing.
Topic 11. How to be the ideal shopping companion. Relaxation
exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.
Topic 12. How to fight cerebral atrophy: remembering
birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when
you're
going to be late. Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full
lobotomies offered.
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CLASSES FOR WOMEN.. Women think they already know everything,
but wait...training courses are now available for women on the
following subjects:
1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First
8. Communication Skills II : Thinking Before Speaking
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
12. Introduction to Parking (hahahahahahaha)
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His
20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
21. Classic Footwear: Wearing Shoes You Already Have
22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
25. TV Remote: For Men Only
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Comebacks
MALE COMEBACKS
TO FEMALE COMEBACKS TO MALE CHAT UP LINES
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Really? I heard it was because everyone there calls you a fat
slut.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: There's no need to get on your knees and suck me off just yet
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: That's cool, cause after I'm done shagging you in the back of
my car, I don't give a shit where you go.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: That explains the moustache then!
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilised.
Man: No problem, I'll just shoot my load up your arse.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: Probably, cause you seem like the kind of chick that is
impossible to shake off once you've been shagged.
Man: Would you like to dance?
Woman: I'd rather eat glass.
Man: I think you mis-heard me. I said you look fat in those pants
Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Fortunately, somewhere else.
Man: Just as well cos I've been shagging your mum while your dad
watches.
Man: You're pretty
Woman: Piss off.
Man: Don't interrupt, You're pretty... ugly, you fat bitch.
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Compliment
A woman,
standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband,
"I look horrible,all fat 'n ugly - pay me a compliment".
The husband replies "your eyesight's fuckin' spot on".
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Curious Thoughts
1
If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
2 Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
3 Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than
standing in a garage makes you a car.
4 Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5 If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never
tried before.
6 My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7 Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is
serious.
8 It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9 For every action, there is an equal and opposite government
program.
10 If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the
trip.
11 Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12 A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so
good.
13 Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14 Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it!
15 No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16 A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17 Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the
waist change places.
18 Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19 Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three
weeks before you need it.
20 There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21 Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognise a
mistake when you make it again.
22 By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23 Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24 Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real
world.
25 It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
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DEAD HORSES…..
The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed down from generation
to generation, says that when you discover that you are riding a
dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.
In the Public Service, however, a whole range of far more advanced
strategies is often employed, such as:
1. Change riders.
2. Buy a stronger whip.
3. Do nothing: "This is the way we have always ridden dead horses".
4. Visit other countries to see how they ride dead horses.
5. Perform a productivity study to see if lighter riders improve the
dead horse's performance.
6. Hire a contractor to ride the dead horse.
7. Harness several dead horses together in an attempt to increase
the speed.
8. Provide additional funding and/or training to increase the dead
horse's performance.
9. Appoint a committee to study the horse and assess how dead it
actually is.
10. Re-classify the dead horse as "living-impaired".
11. Develop a Strategic Plan for the management of dead horses.
12. Rewrite the expected performance requirements for all horses.
13. Modify existing standards to include dead horses.
14. Declare that, as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is
less costly, carries lower overheads, and therefore contributes
substantially more to the bottom line than many other horses.
15. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.
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The F Word
Legitimate
use of the F word
We all know that it isn't polite to use the "F" word. There are only
ten times in history the "F" word has been acceptable for use
10. "What the f___ was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
9. "Look at all them f___ing Indians!" - Custer, 1877
8. "Any f___ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938
7. "It does so f___ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926
6. "How the f___ did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC
5. "You want WHAT on the f___ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566
4. "Where the f___ are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937
3. "Scattered f___ing showers....My ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC
2. "Aw c'mon. Who the f___'s going to find out?" - Bill Clinton,1999
And number 1 . . .
"Geez, I didn't think they'd get this f___ing mad." - Saddam
Hussein, March 19, 2003
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Secret men's
business
A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.
The
woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that
she
and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed
there.
She then asked if she could help the gentleman.
The man said that he would be much more comfortable discussing his
problem with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist assured him
that
she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed
to
discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the
highest level of professionalism.
The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to
discuss,
but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and
sever embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for
it."
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."
When
she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute
best we can do is, 1/3 ownership of the shop, a company car, and
$3,000 a month living expenses."
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He said - She said
10) He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing
to put in it.
She said...You wear briefs, don't you?
9) She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.
8) He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make
love to you in the worst way.
She said...Well, you succeeded.
7) He said... 'Two inches more, and I would be king'
She said...'Two inches less, and you'd be queen.'
6) On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere."
Written just below it: "I do not."
5) He said... "Shall we try a different position tonight?"
She said..."That's a good idea.... you stand by the ironing board
while I sit on the sofa and fart. "
4) Priest said... 'I don't think you will ever find another man like
your late husband.'
She said...'Who's gonna look?'
3) He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I
gave you?
She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
2) He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway
light on.
and the number 1 "He said...She said"..
1) He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said...I would, but you're never there.
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Men's Rules for Men
1.
Any Man who brings a camera to a buck's night may be legally killed
and eaten by his mates.
2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
3. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When she is using her teeth.
4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend
out of jail within 12 hours.
5. If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is
forbidden. Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for
another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is
strictly optional.
8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not
the weakest.
9. When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you
may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask
who's playing.
10. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have
brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the
purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your
girlfriend.
11. It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when
you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a
topless supermodel... and it's free.
12. Only in situations of Moral and/or physical peril are you
allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.
13. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see
anything.
16. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as
spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability
to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death
of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on
fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.
18. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
remain sober enough to fight.
19. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza, but not both - that's just mean.
20. If you complement a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be
talking about his choice of beer.
21. Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a Mate of
yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
22. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting
weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
23. Never talk to a man in a ! bathroom unless you are on equal
footing: Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other
situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you
need.
24. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on
longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by
the phone. Hang up if necessary.
25. You cannot grass on a colleague who shows up at work with a
massive hangover. You may however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair
with cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks
his monitor is broken, and have him paged over the loud speaker
every seven minutes.
26. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable
for her to drive yours.
27. Thou shalt not buy a car with an engine capacity of less than
1.5 litres. Thou shall not really buy a car with less than 1.8
litres, 16 valves, and a turbo.
28. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime
green, orange or sky blue.
29. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for
Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a
Playstation 2. End of story.
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Men's Rules for
Women
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If
it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't
hear us bitching about you leaving it down.
1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if
we can find the perfect present yet again.
1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the
tides. Let it be.
1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive
than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is
that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck
with her.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of
it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints
do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a
calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think
we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look
good with your dress.
1. Yes and No are perfectly suitable answers to almost every
question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we've said 6 months ago is inadmissable in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like Victoria's Secret models, don't expect us
to act like Soap Opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We
refuse to answer.
1. If something we said can be interpreted in two different ways,
and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway. It's genetic.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it
done. Not both. If you already know how best to do it, just do it
yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two
months we were dating. Get over it. And quit whining to your
girlfriends.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach for example is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of
mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the
hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an
answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is
fine. Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss topics such as Nascar or the shotgun formation.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee
or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying
anyway.
1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz
together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
1. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
1. I'm in shape. Round IS a shape.
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A bit of chest beating
testosterone (try to take it with a pinch of salt)
THIS IS THE
MAN'S CODE...
1. If you are over 30 or close enough to and you have a washboard
stomach, you're gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer
with the boys and rather you've been sucking-off the boys and have
spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing
the Oprah diet.
2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaayming Fag. A cat is like a
dog, but Gay: it grooms itself constantly but never scratches
itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and
whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog..."Killer,
come here! I said get your ass over here!" Now think about how you
call a cat..."Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!" Jeeezus, you're the
poster boy for GAY.
3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby-dummies, or any such
nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks
bar-b-q ribs, crab-claws, raw oysters, craw-fish guts, pickled pigs
feet, or titties. Anything else and you are in training to suck El-Dicko
and undeniably a Fag.
4. If you refuse to have a shit in a public toilet or piss in a
parking lot, you're in a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world
is his toilet; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.
5. If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, you like a high hard
one in the poop-chute. Coffee is to be had strong, black (or with
thick, wholesome milk) and full-aroma. A pussy-eating man will never
be heard ordering a "Decaf Cafe Latte with Skim" and he will never,
ever know what artificial sweetener tastes like. If you've had
NutraSweet in
your mouth, you've had a dick in there too.
6. If you know more than six names of colours or four different
types of dessert, you might as well be handing out a free pass to
your arse. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to
remember all of that crap as well as all the names of all the
players in the AFL, Super 12 Rugby, NRL, Cricket, PGA, NBL, and
Supercar series. If you
can pick out chartreuse or you know what a "fresier" is, you're gay.
And if you can name ANY type of textile other than denim, you are
faggadocious!
7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it...you're
hungry for man sausage. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to
honk at slow-arse Volvo drivers or to cut the motherfucker off. The
rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat
his hamburger, hold his beer, finger the beotch in the passenger
seat (whoever she happens to be), or, if he's a wog, talk on his
mobile phone.
8. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere, vous
sonnez le Gay, oui? The only time it is acceptable to watch one of
those is with a woman who knows how to reward her man. Watching any
of the above films by yourself or with another man is likely to
result in SHC (spontaneous homosexual combustion), which is what
happens to fags when they flame out too quickly. So follow the rules
and beware. Or keep that shit to yourself, you flamming faggot!
9. If your name is Michael or Craig then stop living in denial.
You're a dung punching arse bandit from way back and everyone knows
it.
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Manhood Test
MANHOOD
TEST
1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking
B. Screwing
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after
you've both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results
C. Five tequila slammers.
3.You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first
B. You both climax simultaneously
C. You don't miss the football.
4.Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out
about.
5.?Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex
with is:
A. The best part of the experience
B. The second best part of the experience
C. $100 extra.
6.Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month.
You tell her that it is:
A. Nothing to be concerned about because it doesn't show
B. Not a problem, but she can join your gym for help
C. A conservative estimate.
7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth
B. An oxymoron
C. A moron.
8.Foreplay is to sex as:
A. Appetiser is to main course
B. Primer is to paint
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.
9.Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying
at the end of a relationship?
A. "I hope we can still be friends
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville - population: YOU
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that
sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.
If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure
you
really are a man.
If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're a
little confused.
If you answered "C" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN"
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The Perfect Day
THE
PERFECT DAY - FOR HER (the chick)
8.15 Wake up to hugs and kisses.
8.30 Weigh in 2Kg lighter than yesterday.
8.45 Breakfast in bed, freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants
-
open presents - expensive jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner.
9.15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil.
10.00 Light work out at club with sexy funny personal trainer.
10.30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, condition, blow dry.
12.00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe.
12.45 Catch sight of partner's ex and notices she has gained 17kg.
1.00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit.
3.00 Nap.
4.00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist, card is from secret
admirer.
4.15 Light work out at club, followed by massage from strong but
gentle
hunk, who says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body.
5.30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe, parade before
full
length mirror.
7.30 Candle lit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments
received from other diners/dancers.
10.00 Hot shower (alone).
10:50 Carried to bed . . . (freshly ironed, crisp, new, white
linen).
11.00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.
11.15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms.
THE PERFECT DAY - FOR HIM
6.00 Alarm.
6.15 Blow job.
6.30 Massive satisfying shit while reading the sports section.
7.00 Breakfast: rump steak and eggs, coffee and toast, all cooked by
naked, buxom wench who bends over a lot showing her growler
7.30 Limo arrives.
7.45 Several Beers en-route to airport.
9.15 Flight in personal Lear Jet.
9.30 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club (blow job en-route).
9.45 Play front nine - 2 under.
11.45 Lunch - Pie, chips and gravy, 3 lagers and a bottle of Dom
Perignon.
12.15 Blow job.
12.30 Play back nine - 4 under.
2.15 Limo back to the airport (Several Bourbons).
2.30 Fly to Cairns.
3.30 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female crew, all nude
who
also bend over a lot displaying growlers.
4.30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs) - on light tackle.
5.00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle McPherson (bending
over.. naturally).
6.45 Shit, Shower and Shave.
7.00 Watch news: Michael Jackson assassinated; cannabis legalised.
7.30 Dinner: lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy
fillet
steak followed by Ice-cream served on a big pair of tits.
9.00 Napoleon Brandy and Habanos cigar in front of wall-size TV as
you
watch match of the day; Broncos beating Newcastle by 40 points.
Canterbury cheating over the salary cap again and Easts miss
the final eight.
9 .30 Sex with three women (all with lesbian tendencies... some
bending
over).
11.00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing
ale.
11.30 A night cap blow job.
11.45 In bed alone.
11.50 A 22 second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog
to
leave the room
11.51 Laugh yourself to sleep
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Australian /
Aussie Slang
------------------------------------
AEROPLANE BLONDE One who has bleached/dyed her hair blonde but still
has a 'black box'.
AUSSIE KISS Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.
BADLY PACKED KEBAB A vulgar (but still excellent) term for the
female genitalia.
BEAVER LEAVER A homosexual.
BEER COAT The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a
booze cruise at 3 in the morning.
BEER COMPASS The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival
home after a booze cruise, even though you're too pissed to remember
where you live, how you get there, and where you've come from.
BOBFOC Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.
BONE OF CONTENTION A hard-on that causes an argument, e.g. one that
arises when a man is watching Olympic beach volleyball on TV with
his girlfriend.
BREAKING THE SEAL Your first piss in the pub, usually after 2 hours
of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits
to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest
of the night.
BRUCE LEE Erect nipple (as in, a hard Nip).
BUDGIE'S TONGUE or SMALL MAN IN A BOAT, or TONGUE PUNCHBAG The
female erection.
DOUBLE BASS A sexual position in which the man enters the woman from
behind, and then fiddles with the woman's nipples with one hand and
her Budgie's Tongue with the other. The position is similar to that
used when playing a double bass instrument, but the sound produced
is slightly different.
DRINK- LINK A modern term for a cash point machine (ATM). Named so
because it is common to visit one before going out on the booze.
ETCH-A-SKETCH Trying to draw a smile on a woman's face by twiddling
both of her nipples simultaneously.
FLOGGING ON Surfing the Internet for some left-handed websites.
FREE THE TADPOLES Liberate the residents of your Wank Tanks.
FRIGMAROLE Unnecessarily time-consuming foreplay.
FUCKSHITFUCKSHITFUCKSHIT The sound made when driving through traffic
at too high a speed.
GREYHOUND A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
HAND- TO-GLAND COMBAT A vigorous masturbation session.
JOHNNY-NO-STARS A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical
adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes
from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants
often wear to show their level of training.
MONKEY BATH A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo!
Oo! Oo! Aa!Aa! Aa!".
MUMBLER An attractive girl in tight shorts or jeans, etc. i.e. you
can see the 'lips' moving but can't quite make out what they're
saying.
MYSTERY BUS The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while
you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the
unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with great looking
people when you come back in.
PICASSO ARSE A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she
looks like she's got 4 buttocks.
SALAD DODGER An excellent phrase for an overweight person.
SPERM WAIL A verbal outburst during the male orgasm.
STARFISH TROOPER or ARSETRONAUT A homosexual.
SWAMP-DONKEY A deeply unattractive woman.
TART FUEL or BITCH PISS Bottled Alcopops, e.g. Hooch, regularly
consumed by young women.
TITANIC A lady who goes down first time out.
TODGER DODGER A lesbian.
TWO-BAGGER or DOUBLE BAGGER Someone that you'd need 2 paper bags to
have sex with (1 to cover their head, and 1 to cover yours, in case
their bag falls off).
UP ON BLOCKS Menstruating i.e. out of action, a bit like a car in a
garage. e.g. "I don't think I'll be in luck tonight lads, the missus
is up on blocks".
VAGINA DECLINER A homosexual.
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These are
things people
actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm
while these exchanges were actually taking place!
_____________________________________________________
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
_______________________________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
_______________________________________________________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something you've
forgotten?
_______________________________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
________________________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up
that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
_____________________________________________________
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
______________________________________________________
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
_____________________________________________________
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for 10 years. I even went to school for it.
__________________________________________________
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue
lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
__________________________________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
________________________________________________
Q: So the date of conception of (the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
_______________________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
____________________________________________________
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
_______________________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
_________________________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice that I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_______________________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
_________________________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on him!
_________________________________________________
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
_________________________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law somewhere.
________________________________________________
Judge: "Well Sir, I have reviewed this case and I've decided to give
your wife $775 a week."
Husband: "That's fair, Your Honour. I'll try to send her a few bucks
myself."
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Thoughts
1. Don't sweat
the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have
monkeys and apes?
4. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all
the bad girls live.
5. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the
self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the
purpose.
6. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
7. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and
there is no
woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?
8. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself,
is it considered a hostage situation?
9. Is there another word for synonym?
10. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do
"practice?"
11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an
endangered plant?
13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone
will clean them?
16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
17. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
18. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
19. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right
to remain silent?
20. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
21. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
22. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste
funny?
23. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
24. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other
people.
25. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to
say it.
26. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
27. The older you get, the better you realise you were.
28. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
29. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
30. Women like silent men; they think they're listening.
31. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
32. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to
fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
33. Do paediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
34. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
35. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
36. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
37. If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown
too?
38. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
39. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
40. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
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Tongue Twister
If a
bra is an upper topper titty flopper stopper,
and a jock strap is a lower decker pecker checker,
and a roll of toilet tissue is a super duper doody pooper scooper,
what do you call a Japanese drummer boy whose father has diarrhea?
A slap happy Jappy with a crap happy pappy.
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Zen Like Thoughts
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of
me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty
much leave me the hell
alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and
a leaky
tyre.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal
your neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do
it.
4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting
any.
5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't
be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you
fart.
7. Always remember you're unique. Just like every one
else
8. Never test the depth of the water with both
feet.
9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple
of car
payments.
10. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their
shoes. That way, when you criticise them you're a mile away and you
have their
shoes.
11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for
you.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to
fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all
day.
13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it
was probably worth
it.
14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember
anything.
15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the
windshield.
16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first
time.
17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that
comes from bad judgment.
18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and
put it back in your
pocket.
19. A closed mouth gathers no
foot.
20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark
side, and it holds the universe
together.
21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one
works.
22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips
are moving.
23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need
it.
24. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our
ass...Then things get
worse.
25. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a
laxative on the same
night. &n | |
